Free to be

Sunday

September 1st.

Today I left one life and began a journey to a new life.  Today I left my married life with my wife, a marriage that in truth ended on February 9th when she declared her intention to dissolve our marriage.  Today I moved out of her house.  I will never return.

The warmth of friendships eased the transition.  My friends Barry and Pauline transported my temporary belongings and me across the Bay to Oakland.  My friends Robin and Ken have, with great generosity, lent me their house on Helen Street for four months.  My friends Jeff and Kerri, and their boys Oliver and Cedar, wrapped me in hugs as I left the house.  David called from Mystic, CT to make sure his Dad was doing OK.  Ray called to wish me well on the new path.

The day began, as yesterday, too, with a five-hour live Zoom webinar with Werner Erhard, as part of the Being a Leader/Creating Course Leaders training program.  All participants felt the immense privilege of directly engaging with Werner—at 83, older and wiser.

My dialogue with Werner was about the transition I was making this very day, the end of my marriage and the beginning of new life possibility.  Werner talked about sadness as a fundamental human expression, and the power of poignant sadness to heal the pain of loss.

The quiet of being on my own again also has healing power.  Being within myself, without the causal conversation usual within a marriage, takes getting used to again.  The introspection will be beneficial. I must use this time alone wisely.

I have ahead of me the possibility to create a life that hadn’t existed before.  I cannot repeat the past, the old dependencies that I thought were life sustaining but were instead life constraining: constraints from being free to act, free to be.  Free to live life.  No one shackled me.  I invented these constraints myself, so can free myself, too.

The world has given me this opportunity.  It’s an opportunity to show up and be accountable, be authentic, be myself.  Werner said, “You can’t have a life if you get stuck in trying to figure out the meaning of life, the meaning of your life.”  It’s inherently meaningless.

It begins today.

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